I haven't blogged here for awhile...mostly because I've felt like an absolute failure. It's not Plexus or any other weight loss product or program that has failed me. It's me. I can NOT stay away from food. And if you are going to eat past the point of feeling full (like, Thanksgiving-loose pants-lay on the floor full), then no weight loss product is going to work for you. You have to be willing to listen to your body's full signals and STOP PUTTING FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH. This is where I fail. If the food tastes good and/or it might not be there for me later, I will eat it...and continue eating it until I literally cannot put another bite in my mouth without throwing up (unless I'm in public or around others, then I'll try to stay to eating a polite amount of food...but then there's always a chance I might binge later to make up for it). I fight this ALL THE TIME...but I don't always win. In fact, I lose the battle more often than I win. And that's WHY I'm in the condition I'm in.
Hi. My name is Kara. I'm addicted to food.
Food feeds not only my body, but also my emotions. When I think of my "happy place," I think of my grandmother's dining room table. Sitting at that large, antique, wood table with the claw feet and high back chairs, all seemed right with the world. It's the place where our extended family gathered for Sunday dinners and holidays...and everyone was almost always in a good mood. It's where I sat with my grandparents for meals when my mother and I lived there for a short time between her divorce/remarriage and whenever I slept over (which I did as often as I could). The smells of home-cooked meals my grandmother prepared for the family still make their way through my memory bank today even though my grandmother passed away several years ago. My grandmother showed her love through food. Her answer to every problem was food. Feeling cranky? You must be hungry, have a snack. Kids acting up? They must be hungry...here, feed them. Feeling mad, angry, sad? You must be hungry...have a cookie! I don't blame my grandmother at all. I know she was only trying to help. Like me, her love language was food.
Does that mean I'm doomed to be overweight? No...I don't think it does. Sure...I could take it on as my excuse and that would make life easier. Well, not really. It would enable me to simply indulge in all my favorites and continue down the food addiction road, but like any addiction, it would cause (actually, has caused) me more problems than it ever solved. Sure...an ice cream cone can melt away the anger, hurt, frustration in the moment...but it also adds numbers to the scale, which brings on other problems. I am currently at my highest weight...a weight I NEVER thought I would EVER weigh...a weight I'm too ashamed to put into writing. A weight that's at least 50 pounds heavier than I was in the picture my cousin, whom I was living with at the time after losing about 80 pounds, said that she didn't know if she could love me at that weight. I don't think she understood what an impact her statement had on me. She never really struggled with weight a day in her life. But, I hear that statement in my head all the time and am actually thankful she can't see me now. And every time someone rejects me or overlooks me, I am sure it's because of my weight. It might not be the real reason...but it has become my reality. And I start to think if only I could kick this food addiction and lose weight, my life would be better. And in some ways, it will.
Being overweight...especially THIS overweight really gets in the way of how I'd like to live my life. My body hurts, especially my knees. I get out of breath walking down the driveway. I can't fit into clothes well. I can't be outside in the Florida heat for more than 5 seconds without sweating. I won't even attempt to fit into places that have a potential of being too tight. I've been embarrassed trying to fit into booths where the seats and table don't move before, so I don't sit in booths. As much as I'd love to take my kids to a theme park and the local fair, I know I'll avoid the rides like the plague because there's a chance I won't fit properly and be asked to get off. I can't enjoy doing things with my kids because getting on the floor (and trying to get back up) is too uncomfortable. Doing much of anything is becoming too uncomfortable...and it makes me mad!
Who am I mad at? Me, of course. I'm mad because I let myself get this big. I'm mad because I can't seem to say no to food without a major inner struggle. Seriously. I was at a women's Bible study a few weeks ago and someone at our table brought two boxes of Dunkin Donuts and I literally sat there the full two hours obsessing over those donuts and fighting with myself about not eating them. Sure, I succeeded...at least in avoiding eating the donuts...but I couldn't tell you one thing that was taught at that Bible study. And I completely obsessed about Dunkin Donuts after that...until I had one. The funny thing is Dunkin isn't even my favorite type of donut. Had it been hot & fresh Krispy Kreme, well...let's just say it would have been all over in 2 seconds. And there wasn't even my favorite type of DD donut, boston creme, in the box. But I felt like a strung out junkie in the throws of withdrawal staring at her next "fix." And, I guess I was.
So...for several weeks now, I've been trying to follow the Trim Healthy Mama plan. "Try" being the operative word here. I have yet to make it a full week on plan...shoot, I don't think I've even made it a full day on plan. But the beauty of this plan is that their motto is if you mess up, try again in 3 hours. See...it takes your body 3 hours to process what you've eaten. It will either process it as energy or fat, or some combo of the two, but nonetheless, it's processed. So...you start again. No more thoughts of, "Well, I've blown it...might as well enjoy whatever I can the rest of the day and try tomorrow...or next Monday...or next blue moon..." You get the picture. So, I keep trying. And some day, I'll get it. Thankfully, I have friends who are helping me because they are doing this too...and so, I'll keep trying.
As part of my accountability, I'm going to start blogging my journey again. I don't know if anyone will even read this other than me...but I need to start doing something to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper...er, computer. LOL! So...here it is. If you're reading this, leave a comment and let me know. :) If you've ever struggled with food addiction, let me know. If you're still struggling, let me know that, too...we can pray for each other. If, like my cousin, you've never faced this struggle before, hopefully this will help you to understand the pain & struggle of your friend or family member that is facing it better. :)
