Three Little Words

It was supposed to be a fun thing that showed up in my Facebook newsfeed.  A word search with a jumble of letters...first three words you find describe you.  The puzzle is at the top of this blog post...what do YOU see first?  My eyes first landed on:

Fat.  Bad.  Broken.

And what's really scary is that is exactly how I'm feeling about myself right now.  I'm totally disgusted with myself.  I keep trying to make changes...and I keep failing.  Two steps forward, three back.  I feel like I'm totally broken.  I'm not giving up...but I'm just so sick of failing.

Today was the epitome of those feelings.  A friend was having one of those home parties where you go and buy stuff.  Kinda like Tupperware or Pampered Chef...but this was clothes.  Leggings, to be exact.  Leggings & skirts with tops to go with them.  They are very cute...if you are a normal sized person.  Leggings are just not for people my size.  And under normal circumstances, I would have avoided this type of party like the plague.

The invite to the party said you didn't have to buy anything just come out and have fun...and chance for moms to get together and let the kids play.  And so I went for the sake of my children...a chance to get my homeschooler socialized.  LOL!  I figured I might look at the tops maybe.  But I was mostly going for the fellowship.  I looked at a few things, but didn't find anything I really liked and fit in my budget.  My friend kept encouraging me to try some leggings on.  She singled me out and wouldn't let it drop until I tried them on despite my polite protests.  I was beyond uncomfortable...but I went along with it so as not to make a scene and draw even more attention to myself.  And once in the safety of the make-shift dressing room, my horrors were confirmed.  I could not even get the leggings on.  I redressed in the outfit I'd worn to the party and quietly put the items away and found a place to sit, hoping no one would notice me.  Everything in me wanted to flee at that moment, but I knew I could not do that without making a scene since my boys were spread out over the play area.  Though I'd hope to sit there without being noticed, it was not to be.  Another friends saw my feelings sitting on my sleeve and asked if I was ok.  I simply nodded and held up my hand with a desperate hope that she would allow me to regain my composure.  She did.

 My friend having the party, however, comes over and says, "SOOOO...how did it go?"  I quietly told her I could not wear them, hoping that would be the end of it.  It wasn't.  "Well, WHY not?!?" my friend pried.  I'm sure my cheeks flushed a bright crimson as tears began to well up in my eyes.  "Because I can't get them on my fat body" I said in my defeat.  The tears began to fall and the scene I desperately wanted to avoid became a reality as others began to notice and circled around me.  

To my friend's credit, she did come to me later and apologize.  She's one of those people who can't possibly understand what it is like.  She's one of those ultra healthy people who drinks raw milk and eats seaweed.  She's never experienced my struggle.  I'm sure she has struggles of her own.  But the struggle of food addiction, like miscarriage or infertility, can only truly be understood by those who have experienced it themselves.

Even though I'd seen that crossword and found those words several days before this incident, I couldn't have felt more fat, more bad, more broken than I did at that moment.  I hate myself for what I've allowed my body to become...and yet, I feel powerless to change it.  In the women's Bible study group at my church, we've been studying the book of Romans and a verse in chapter 7 describes me and my relationship with food perfectly:

"For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...For I have a desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing."  ~Romans 7:15, 18-19

I know the right things to do.  I know I should eat less and exercise more.  I know I should eat healthier foods.  I know I should avoid sodas.  I know, I know, I know...I should, I should, I should.  It's not a lack of knowledge...it's a battle within myself.  I know the right thing to do, but the addiction lies to me and tells me one more time won't hurt, we'll start again.  And so I give in...or I spend hours fighting the craving.  Either way, I feel like I lose.

Please pray for me.   God is the ONLY one who is able to fix this in me.