Small Victories

This weight loss gig is all about stringing together a bunch of small victories.  The individual weeks aren't much to write about in their own right.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love seeing that scale work it's way down to smaller numbers each week, even if it is just a fraction of a pound.  But when we look at the bigger picture and see how those small victories each week add up, it is inspiring!  :)  

But victories aren't just won on the scale.  Sometimes those little differences add up to what we call non-scale victories.  And to be honest, when I thought about this blog on Monday, I thought I'd just be writing about non-scale victories because I really didn't think I was going to lose.  I had not been very faithful to take my Plexus products every day and I had made some eating choices that weren't quite in line with WW guidelines.  So, I was fully expecting to have to admit to the few of you who actually read this blog that I had not lost any weight this week or that I had gained.

In fact, I was so sure that's the direction that my blog was going to take that my subconscious created quite the picture in my dreams the night before weigh-in day.  I dreamed, probably in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, that I was at my friend's house.  This friend is also doing WW and has been a great encouragement to me.  In real life, her birthday was Monday and she had posted pictures of her family birthday celebration, so I'm sure this played into my subconscious story line.  Anyway, her family had prepared this HUGE spread of yummy food.  In my dream, I had stopped by on my way to weigh-in and told my friend that I was going to gain anyway so I might as well enjoy myself...and pulled up a chair!  LOL!

So, before I get to what actually happened on the scale at weigh-in on Tuesday, let me share with you the story I planned to tell about my non-scale victory.  This past weekend, I was outside with my kids.  Our house is on a little over two acres of land, in the shape of a rectangle...which means we don't have a lot of space on the sides of our house, but we have a fair amount in the front and a HUGE amount in the back.  It's one of the things that attracted me to the house because it offered my kids a great area to run, play, and explore.  However, in the four and a half years we have lived in this house, I had never been toward the back of the property.  I don't think I've made it more than a few yards away from our back door, to be honest.  It always seemed SOOOOOOOOO FAR!  I would be out of breath just getting off the back poarch (or lanai, as it is called in Florida) and to the kids' playground.  But this past weekend when I was out in the back yard looking for something my kids had lost, I found myself at the far back and feeling fine!  That, my friends, was a HUGE victory that can't be measured on a scale but came as a result of all those small victories on the scale that helped me get healthier.

So, as I walked into the WW meeting on Tuesday morning to face the scale, I was hoping for the best but prepared for the worst.  I honestly thought if I lost anything, it would be half a pound or less.  BUT...the scale showed that I had lost a WHOLE POUND!!!!  Now, a pound might not seem like much to you...but when you add that pound to the others that have left before it, you find that I've now lost a total of 53.6 pounds!  According to the weight-loss pictures I've found online that compare pounds lost to objects that you can hold and measure, I've lost 21 horseshoes!!!  My nephew would be so proud...because while I have no idea what 21 horseshoes weighs, I bet he does!  He owns and shows horses, so he's held a few horseshoes in his lifetime, I'm sure!

So...while a pound might not sound like much, to me, it was a BIG deal!  It's all in how you look at things!  When I thought I'd lost less than half a pound and saw the scale move more than that, a whole pound was almost enough to make me do a happy dance.  But other weeks, when I thought I'd had a pretty good week and the scale only showed a pound (or less) lost, I could easily get discouraged.

That's why it is important to take those small victories and then look at how they are adding up to get you to that big goal!  I can look at the one little pound I lost this week...or I can look at the 53.6 pounds I've lost since the end of August...or I can look at the fact that I still have probably another 100 pounds to go.  If I focus on the 1 pound or the 100 left to go, I'm probably gonna feel discouraged....but if I focus on the 53.6 pounds that have left my body in a little over 5 months, I'll realize just how far I've come and that the rest of the journey is just as doable...and I'll feel encouraged!  So, that's where I'm trying to keep my focus these days!  :)

Want to know more about WW, Plexus, or my journey in general?  Feel free to comment with your email below and I'll be happy to tell you more!  :)

God bless you!  <3

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

I just realized as I went to make this week's blog post that I had posted last week's weigh-in blog on my fostering blog (Loving on the Least of These) instead of this one...OOPS!  ;)

After a 3.4-pound weight loss last week that got me to my 50-pound mark (and maybe a little just too much celebrating that fact), I knew going into this week's weigh-in that I wouldn't be seeing a big drop this week.  I was just hoping that the number on the scale would be less than it was last week...even if by a tiny smidge.  And it was... eight-tenths of a pound to be exact.  Not quite a whole pound, but better than I thought it might be, so I'll take it.

Regardless of whether I lost a little or a lot, I like to think back over my week to see what worked and what didn't.  The previous week had been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me.  I was so excited about hitting that next big milestone...it almost felt like I'd crossed a finish line.  And yet...I still have a long, long way to go!  In reality, I've only crossed the first major checkpoint.  I let my hair down a bit after that big loss...er, win!  ;)  I'm not gonna lie...I indulged a little.  Life also got in the way of a couple of my workouts.  I also missed a few of my Plexus supplements during the week.  And it all showed on the scale.

If I just look at that one week, I could get really discouraged.  If I just focused on the failures, I could easily give up.  Decide I've come far enough.  Go back.  Give in.  Let the addiction take over yet again.  But, I've played that hand before and it didn't end well.  I lost 80 pounds once before...worked hard for those 80 pounds.  But then Life happened big time.  My cousin who had been my biggest motivator and encourager moved away, I started my teaching internship while still working full time at a conference calling company, and I was only sleeping about 3 hours per day during the week.  Slowly those 80 pounds crept back on...and now, even after losing over 50 pounds, I still have another 25 or so pounds to lose before getting to what I weighed BEFORE losing those 80 pounds!  Talk about humbling!

BUT...instead of focusing on one tough week or where I've been or how far I still have to go, I'm choosing to focus instead on how far I've come THIS TIME!  All those other pounds I've lost and gained before were just training to prepare me for this battle.  I'm stronger now.  My motivation is NOT in another person but in me and what God is doing in and through me!  I'm not competing against what has been done in the past or what someone else is doing, but on what I am doing now!  I have now lost a total of 52.6 pounds since August 27th...just shy of 6 months.  I've lost as much as a 40-inch flat screen TV!  Just for fun (and because another friend suggested it), I decided to weigh my three middle kids.  The older of the three weighed in at 50.4 pounds, the other two weighed in at 41.4 pounds each.  I have lost 2.2 pounds more than my son who will be 7 years old in June!

Tonight, my husband and I have an opportunity to go out to eat with our oldest while the younger kids enjoy a special event.  We are going to Olive Garden because it is my teenage son's all-time favorite restaurant.  Do you KNOW what special they have at Olive Garden right now?  NEVER-ENDING STUFFED PASTA!!!!  Six months ago, I would totally have chowed down on some stuffed pasta...maybe a few bowls.  But instead, I took the time to look through my WW app and make a plan.  I do NOT have to give up the salad and breadsticks I love so much...I'm just going to pair it with a low-point soup and enjoy!  And I'll probably take some Plexus Block to combat the carbs in the breadstick (or two) that I will eat.  I have the points for them...but the Block is a great tool to add in to help make sure those breadsticks don't stay around for the weigh-in on Tuesday!  ;)

It's all about choices.  I'm making better choices and I'm using the tools I have at my disposal to get me to that final goal!  I've got a BIG birthday coming up in July...I'm hoping to be down another 50 by then.  It won't happen all at once...but it can happen one choice at a time!  And just like the turtle in that famous children's fable, I'll keep plodding along.  Maybe I'll hit the 100-pound mark by my birthday...maybe I'll end up just shy of it or just past it...but either way, I'll get there! :)

Finally Finding my Groove & the Tools I've Used To Get There

I started this blog way back in 2013 and last posted in it almost 2 years ago.  A lot has happened in my life during that time and I wasn't sure if I would ever come back to this blog...but today just felt like the day to make a comeback!  :)  After all, I've found some success and seem to have finally found my weight loss grove...so now, maybe, just maybe, I've got something to say that others might wanna hear.  ;)

If you know me or you've read this blog, then you know my struggle with my weight has been a life-long battle.  I've found some success...and I've had lots of failures.  I came into this world weighing 9 pounds...pretty big for a newborn...but not if you consider I was about 3 weeks late.  I guess I'm just a late bloomer.  ;)  Overall, I was normal size until I was about five or six years old...when adjectives to describe me might have been "chunky" or "husky" or "plump"...or even "healthy" (but not in a good way).  There are some psychological reasons for that, I'm sure.  A lot of changes were happening in my life around that time and food became my way of coping with those changes.  It became my drug of choice if you will.  I vividly remember the first time I recognized that food had an impact on my mood.  I was about 17 years old or so and was really upset about something.  I stopped at DQ for a Blizzard and a few bites in, suddenly felt calmer.  However, I did not make the connection between that and my weight issues.  It only fed the addiction and when I was upset, I began to turn to food even more to comfort me.  My weight has fluctuated up and down for pretty much the rest of my life.  I go in cycles of trying to lose weight, getting frustrated & giving up, swearing never to diet again...only to decide to give it one more go sometime later.  

But here I am, five months into a new rhythm and finally finding a measure of success.  It started innocently enough.  A conversation with my mother about WW.  She offered to pay for my initial start if I would give it another go (I've lost count of how many times I've tried WW and failed in the past).  The conversation happened at just the right moment and I agreed.  Deciding to strike while the iron was hot, so to speak, I asked my hubby if I could go ahead and sign up.  He agreed...and so my journey began on August 27, 2018.  

In addition to following the WW plan, I decided to get more consistent with using Plexus...and tried a few of their new products as well.  I now take Metaburn and Edge every morning with my Plexus Slim drink.  At night, I take the ProBio pill and when I eat a high-carb meal, I pop a couple pills of Block.  I discovered this combo (WW & Plexus) is just the one-two-punch I need to be successful!  I lost 10.4 pounds my first week and have consistently lost an average of 2-3 pounds per week since.  Another factor has been the encouragement of others who are on the same journey and my own determination to get it done this time.  The last time I was this successful, I had the encouragement of my cousin Kathy to push me along.  She saw me at my then heaviest weight and, having successfully dealt with her own life-long weight battle, knew the struggle well.  We started with exercise.  She had recently given birth to her daughter, whom I adored.  She invited me to take walks with the two of them.  Since I loved spending time with my cousin and her daughter, I agreed.  Then she started a weight loss group at our church and I joined that as well.  I lost about 80 pounds or so...but when my cousin and her family moved, I lost my motivation.  Slowly, the weight crept back on.  I tried several times to lose the weight again, but without the motivation my successes were short-lived.  My addiction to food was more powerful than my desire to lose weight.

But now, Kara's got her groove back!  As of my weigh-in last week, I've lost a total of 48.4 pounds this time around.  This past weekend, I was in Sam's club and happened to see a 48-pound bag of dog food (pictured above).  Realizing that's almost the exact amount of pounds I'd lost to that point, I decided to pick it up and feel the weight I'd lost so far.  MAN!  That was one HEAVY bag of dog food...and I'd been carrying the equivalent of that weight around on my body for quite some time!  No wonder I was tired all the time & found it hard to get off the couch to play with my kids!  I've still got a long way to go...but realizing how much I've lost already and how much better I feel now, I can only imagine how much better I'm going to feel when I get a couple more of those bags worth of weight off!  :)

All this to say that if you need to lose weight...whether you need to lose 10 pounds or 100, you CAN do this!  I found some tools that really helped me find my groove...but none of them would have worked without my determination to make it work.  I had to be ready.  I wish I'd gotten ready years ago...but I can't go back and change that.  I can only start from where I am and make the change going forward.  It's not easy, and every day...shoot, sometimes every minute...I have to make choices about whether I'm going to let the addiction win or my desire to be healthy.  Today, it's been my desire to be healthy.  Tomorrow, I'll weigh in again and hopefully, I'll have hit that 50 pound mark I'm hoping for...if not, there's always next week.  :)

When You Want to Exercise But Your Body is Having None Of It!

I know...I haven't blogged in awhile.  At least not on this blog.  And there's really no excuse...though I could give you a few.  I've just been very frustrated lately and didn't feel I had anything of value to say.  But the truth of the matter is that I've been on a bit of a roller coaster with my weight loss, mostly downhill (and not in a good way).  \

My last post was in October...it's now March, that alone should tell you something.  In October, I was starting to give up on myself.  You know...the old excuses...Halloween candy, Thanksgiving, Christmas...too many temptations to overcome.  Not to mention, I was buying sugar laden flavored popcorn by the Sam's Club bagfulls just so I could get enough cloth Santa sacks (that they came in) for all my kiddos at Christmas.  Ya know, because that would make Christmas morning a little more Pintresty...I've always wanted to be a Pinterest Mom.  ;)  But to be honest with you, I really didn't even WANT to try to eat healthy.  Sure...I wanted to BE healthy, but I just didn't want to do the work necessary to get there.  I'm not sure I even believed I could...after all, I've tried for several decades and never really been successful.

Then a friend talked me into a BeachBody challenge in January.  I love a good challenge & felt like it was exactly what I needed to get motivated.  And it was!  I was drinking the Shakology and loving it.  I was eating healthy.  AND...biggest surprise of all, I was exercising and ENJOYING it!!!  Not since the time my cousin was my exercise buddy could I say "exercise" and "enjoy" in the same sentence! And even then, it was the time with my cousin that I enjoyed, not really the exercise.  ;)  But I really did enjoy the BeachBody exercise video...and my little kids loved doing it with me!

BUT...one day while exercising, I heard a "pop" and felt a sharp pain in my knee.  I had to sit down immediately.  The pain didn't last long, so I got up and kept going.  And I kept going.  And sometimes I even pushed past the pain.  But the pain never fully went away, so I checked with my doctor & she suggested I rest it for awhile (I actually got doctor's orders NOT to exercise!), take some ibuprofen and see how it did.  I'd like to say that was all it needed...but it didn't.  It still hurts when I stand up after having sat for awhile and I have to limp for awhile before I can walk normally.  Sometimes it will lock up on me while I'm walking and I end up walking like I've got a peg leg.  And the pain is worse.  So, last Thursday found me back in the doctor's office...this time with a different diagnosis.  She suspects a meniscal tear.  YIKES!  I will go for an MRI on Saturday & then follow up with an orthopedic doctor.  I'm praying this doesn't mean surgery...ain't nobody got time for that in this house!

I'm REALLY bummed!  Did I really just say that about not being able to exercise?  Why yes, yes I did!  And I'll tell you why.  I had a goal of losing a lot of weight by October...and I'm not making much progress.  Why October, you might ask?  Well, my hubby has a conference for work in Orlando that month and the kids and I always go with him on these work trips.  We are hoping to be able to do some fun things with the kids while we are there and I really don't want to be so big that I can't fully enjoy our time there...or to be physically unable to do some of the things we have planned.  So...if you are still following my blog, please pray for my knee to heal quickly and for me to find the motivation to eat healthy during this time.  When I'm exercising, the motivation to eat well is so much easier.  Pretty sure that's because I don't want to undo all the hard work I've just done!  ;)

Three Little Words

It was supposed to be a fun thing that showed up in my Facebook newsfeed.  A word search with a jumble of letters...first three words you find describe you.  The puzzle is at the top of this blog post...what do YOU see first?  My eyes first landed on:

Fat.  Bad.  Broken.

And what's really scary is that is exactly how I'm feeling about myself right now.  I'm totally disgusted with myself.  I keep trying to make changes...and I keep failing.  Two steps forward, three back.  I feel like I'm totally broken.  I'm not giving up...but I'm just so sick of failing.

Today was the epitome of those feelings.  A friend was having one of those home parties where you go and buy stuff.  Kinda like Tupperware or Pampered Chef...but this was clothes.  Leggings, to be exact.  Leggings & skirts with tops to go with them.  They are very cute...if you are a normal sized person.  Leggings are just not for people my size.  And under normal circumstances, I would have avoided this type of party like the plague.

The invite to the party said you didn't have to buy anything just come out and have fun...and chance for moms to get together and let the kids play.  And so I went for the sake of my children...a chance to get my homeschooler socialized.  LOL!  I figured I might look at the tops maybe.  But I was mostly going for the fellowship.  I looked at a few things, but didn't find anything I really liked and fit in my budget.  My friend kept encouraging me to try some leggings on.  She singled me out and wouldn't let it drop until I tried them on despite my polite protests.  I was beyond uncomfortable...but I went along with it so as not to make a scene and draw even more attention to myself.  And once in the safety of the make-shift dressing room, my horrors were confirmed.  I could not even get the leggings on.  I redressed in the outfit I'd worn to the party and quietly put the items away and found a place to sit, hoping no one would notice me.  Everything in me wanted to flee at that moment, but I knew I could not do that without making a scene since my boys were spread out over the play area.  Though I'd hope to sit there without being noticed, it was not to be.  Another friends saw my feelings sitting on my sleeve and asked if I was ok.  I simply nodded and held up my hand with a desperate hope that she would allow me to regain my composure.  She did.

 My friend having the party, however, comes over and says, "SOOOO...how did it go?"  I quietly told her I could not wear them, hoping that would be the end of it.  It wasn't.  "Well, WHY not?!?" my friend pried.  I'm sure my cheeks flushed a bright crimson as tears began to well up in my eyes.  "Because I can't get them on my fat body" I said in my defeat.  The tears began to fall and the scene I desperately wanted to avoid became a reality as others began to notice and circled around me.  

To my friend's credit, she did come to me later and apologize.  She's one of those people who can't possibly understand what it is like.  She's one of those ultra healthy people who drinks raw milk and eats seaweed.  She's never experienced my struggle.  I'm sure she has struggles of her own.  But the struggle of food addiction, like miscarriage or infertility, can only truly be understood by those who have experienced it themselves.

Even though I'd seen that crossword and found those words several days before this incident, I couldn't have felt more fat, more bad, more broken than I did at that moment.  I hate myself for what I've allowed my body to become...and yet, I feel powerless to change it.  In the women's Bible study group at my church, we've been studying the book of Romans and a verse in chapter 7 describes me and my relationship with food perfectly:

"For I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...For I have a desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep doing."  ~Romans 7:15, 18-19

I know the right things to do.  I know I should eat less and exercise more.  I know I should eat healthier foods.  I know I should avoid sodas.  I know, I know, I know...I should, I should, I should.  It's not a lack of knowledge...it's a battle within myself.  I know the right thing to do, but the addiction lies to me and tells me one more time won't hurt, we'll start again.  And so I give in...or I spend hours fighting the craving.  Either way, I feel like I lose.

Please pray for me.   God is the ONLY one who is able to fix this in me.

Falling Off The Wagon and Getting Back On...It's A Daily Struggle!

If you read my last blog post, you know my struggle with weight has been a life-long one, and a daily one as well.  Sometimes it's a minute by minute struggle.  But the difference now from where I was a couple years ago is that the time between falling off the wagon and when I get back on is becoming hours rather than days, weeks, months, or years.  Oh...and I've also decided I'm no longer ON A DIET.  No, I don't just eat whatever I want, whenever I want it.  I'm just changing my mindset.  In the past, a diet was something I went on to lose weight, struggled through it as long as I possibly could, all the while looking forward to the day when the diet was OVER so I could eat whatever I wanted. Which would lead to weight gain...and eventually the cycle would repeat itself.  I believe they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result every time.  So...I guess that makes dieting a pretty insane thing to do, huh?

As far as diets, I've pretty much done (and failed) them all...Weight Watchers (failed that 3 or 4 times, at least), Adkins, cabbage soup diet, any diet I found in a magazine or a friend was doing at the time that might possibly work...I think the craziest one I went on was the Sour Kraut Diet (and I was probably all of maybe 12 or 13 when I did that one).  I don't remember all the details about the diet or even if that was the official name of it, but I do remember it involved drinking 4oz of sour kraut juice 2-3 times per day.  Now, I like sour kraut...on a hot dog!  But not the juice...until it promised to melt pounds off my overweight body (which probably wasn't quite as overweight as I thought it was at the time, especially as I look back on it with wiser eyes set in a face far chubbier than my preteen self could have ever been)! It's a wonder I still love sour kraut today (but only on my hot dog or reuben sandwich...never the juice)!  Shoot...I even tried starving myself once.  I was 17 and desperately wanted to go on a church trip but my mother wasn't keen on the location.  My dad made an off-handed comment saying that if I could lose 20 pounds in the next two weeks, I could do it.  I took him at his word and survived on mostly peppermint candies and water for the next two weeks!  AND...I lost 22 pounds!!!  I'm sure he made that comment thinking that it wasn't possible & would get me off their backs about it...but he totally underestimated my willingness to do whatever it took to go on that trip!  By the way, I did get to go on the trip!  ;)

So...why do I tell you this?  Because I've tried it all...and I've failed it all.  Even the most successful program I've done, First Place - a faith based weight loss program that I would describe as Bible study meets Weight Watchers.  I was successful for awhile...long enough to lose 80 POUNDS!  I attribute this success to my cousin Kathy who was a huge cheerleader for me at the time.  Very much like me, Kathy had also struggled with her weight as a child.  But very much unlike me, she had become victorious over her weight issue in her childhood.  Shortly after her daughter was born, she and I began to take walks together while pushing her daughter in the stroller (I was single at the time and we lived close to each other).  While we walked, we talked about life.  She knew I was unhappy with my weight issue (this was around the time the picture was taken that I mentioned in my previous post), but she never once made me feel guilty or ashamed.  On one of these walks, she mentioned that she and another lady from our church were starting a new weight loss program at our church and asked if I'd be interested in being a part of the group.  I agreed, not knowing what to expect, but wanting to be a part of whatever my cousin was doing at that time (not to mention, the idea of losing weight was enticing, too)!

Each week, we kept track of what we ate (following the diabetic exchanges meal plan) on forms that we turned in each week when we weighed in privately with the leaders.  Then we all met together for Bible study and a time of sharing successes & challenges of the week, as well as prayer requests.  The other lady was in charge of the Bible study and my cousin was in charge of the weight loss portion.  Kathy made comments on our weekly food journals and then gave them back.  Sometimes she made suggestions for changes we could make (such as eating only 10 fries instead of a whole order), sometimes the comments were to celebrate something we'd done right (even when we think eating a few goldfish while serving in the church nursery was a bad thing but she noticed I actually had exchanges for it), sometimes they were challenges for something to push us along (one of mine was to go a whole week without eating any french fries)...but always the comments were positive!  I flourished in this environment.  For once, I wasn't berated for my failures...just given ideas for how to keep them from happening again.

Throughout the program, my cousin and I continued to exercise together...eventually moving from stroller walks through her neighborhood to the treadmill at the YMCA.  That way, we could each move at our own speed (she ran, I walked) but still be together.  This actually pushed me to walk faster, with a goal of eventually matching her speed.  Unfortunately, I never made that goal.  After I'd lost about 80 pounds on the program, Kathy's husband's job moved them a couple hours away and not long after that, I moved to Florida.  It was in Florida that the fateful picture was found by the cousin I was living with at the time and the comment that still haunts me today was made.  And little by little, my willingness to persevere dropped away and the pounds slowly crept back on.  As I mentioned in the previous post, my cousin that I was now living with had never faced a weight issue, so she didn't really know how to help me and after her comment, my self-confidence plummeted.  Not to mention, that year was probably the hardest year of my life in so many areas...and when a food addict is stressing out, the first thing we do is look for food to calm our nerves.  And that's exactly what I did.

So...here I am, doing my Trim Healthy Mama thing, taking my Plexus (which, now that I understand better how it is supposed to help me is actually helping!), and doing the best I can...one meal/snack at a time!  I have fallen off that diet wagon more times than I care to count...so now, I'm trying a new wagon.  A healthy eating wagon...and no matter how many times I fall off, I am determined to get back up until I'm so secure in that wagon that falling off will just become a distant, painful memory of what I used to do!  :)

Food Addict

I haven't blogged here for awhile...mostly because I've felt like an absolute failure.  It's not Plexus or any other weight loss product or program that has failed me.  It's me.  I can NOT stay away from food.  And if you are going to eat past the point of feeling full (like, Thanksgiving-loose pants-lay on the floor full), then no weight loss product is going to work for you.  You have to be willing to listen to your body's full signals and STOP PUTTING FOOD IN YOUR MOUTH.  This is where I fail.  If the food tastes good and/or it might not be there for me later, I will eat it...and continue eating it until I literally cannot put another bite in my mouth without throwing up (unless I'm in public or around others, then I'll try to stay to eating a polite amount of food...but then there's always a chance I might binge later to make up for it).  I fight this ALL THE TIME...but I don't always win.  In fact, I lose the battle more often than I win.  And that's WHY I'm in the condition I'm in.

Hi.  My name is Kara.  I'm addicted to food.

Food feeds not only my body, but also my emotions.  When I think of my "happy place," I think of my grandmother's dining room table.  Sitting at that large, antique, wood table with the claw feet and high back chairs, all seemed right with the world.  It's the place where our extended family gathered for Sunday dinners and holidays...and everyone was almost always in a good mood.  It's where I sat with my grandparents for meals when my mother and I lived there for a short time between her divorce/remarriage and whenever I slept over (which I did as often as I could).  The smells of home-cooked meals my grandmother prepared for the family still make their way through my memory bank today even though my grandmother passed away several years ago.  My grandmother showed her love through food.  Her answer to every problem was food.  Feeling cranky?  You must be hungry, have a snack.  Kids acting up?  They must be hungry...here, feed them.  Feeling mad, angry, sad?  You must be hungry...have a cookie!  I don't blame my grandmother at all.  I know she was only trying to help.  Like me, her love language was food.

Does that mean I'm doomed to be overweight?  No...I don't think it does.  Sure...I could take it on as my excuse and that would make life easier.  Well, not really.  It would enable me to simply indulge in all my favorites and continue down the food addiction road, but like any addiction, it would cause (actually, has caused) me more problems than it ever solved.  Sure...an ice cream cone can melt away the anger, hurt, frustration in the moment...but it also adds numbers to the scale, which brings on other problems.  I am currently at my highest weight...a weight I NEVER thought I would EVER weigh...a weight I'm too ashamed to put into writing.  A weight that's at least 50 pounds heavier than I was in the picture my cousin, whom I was living with at the time after losing about 80 pounds, said that she didn't know if she could love me at that weight.  I don't think she understood what an impact her statement had on me.  She never really struggled with weight a day in her life.  But, I hear that statement in my head all the time and am actually thankful she can't see me now.  And every time someone rejects me or overlooks me, I am sure it's because of my weight.  It might not be the real reason...but it has become my reality.  And I start to think if only I could kick this food addiction and lose weight, my life would be better.  And in some ways, it will.

Being overweight...especially THIS overweight really gets in the way of how I'd like to live my life.  My body hurts, especially my knees.  I get out of breath walking down the driveway.  I can't fit into clothes well.  I can't be outside in the Florida heat for more than 5 seconds without sweating.  I won't even attempt to fit into places that have a potential of being too tight.  I've been embarrassed trying to fit into booths where the seats and table don't move before, so I don't sit in booths.  As much as I'd love to take my kids to a theme park and the local fair, I know I'll avoid the rides like the plague because there's a chance I won't fit properly and be asked to get off.  I can't enjoy doing things with my kids because getting on the floor (and trying to get back up) is too uncomfortable.  Doing much of anything is becoming too uncomfortable...and it makes me mad!

Who am I mad at?  Me, of course.  I'm mad because I let myself get this big.  I'm mad because I can't seem to say no to food without a major inner struggle.  Seriously.  I was at a women's Bible study a few weeks ago and someone at our table brought two boxes of Dunkin Donuts and I literally sat there the full two hours obsessing over those donuts and fighting with myself about not eating them.  Sure, I succeeded...at least in avoiding eating the donuts...but I couldn't tell you one thing that was taught at that Bible study.  And I completely obsessed about Dunkin Donuts after that...until I had one.  The funny thing is Dunkin isn't even my favorite type of donut.  Had it been hot & fresh Krispy Kreme, well...let's just say it would have been all over in 2 seconds.  And there wasn't even my favorite type of DD donut, boston creme, in the box.  But I felt like a strung out junkie in the throws of withdrawal staring at her next "fix."  And, I guess I was.

So...for several weeks now, I've been trying to follow the Trim Healthy Mama plan.  "Try" being the operative word here.  I have yet to make it a full week on plan...shoot, I don't think I've even made it a full day on plan.  But the beauty of this plan is that their motto is if you mess up, try again in 3 hours.  See...it takes your body 3 hours to process what you've eaten.  It will either process it as energy or fat, or some combo of the two, but nonetheless, it's processed.  So...you start again.  No more thoughts of, "Well, I've blown it...might as well enjoy whatever I can the rest of the day and try tomorrow...or next Monday...or next blue moon..."  You get the picture.  So, I keep trying.  And some day, I'll get it.  Thankfully, I have friends who are helping me because they are doing this too...and so, I'll keep trying.

As part of my accountability, I'm going to start blogging my journey again.  I don't know if anyone will even read this other than me...but I need to start doing something to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper...er, computer.  LOL!  So...here it is.  If you're reading this, leave a comment and let me know.  :)  If you've ever struggled with food addiction, let me know.  If you're still struggling, let me know that, too...we can pray for each other.  If, like my cousin, you've never faced this struggle before, hopefully this will help you to understand the pain & struggle of your friend or family member that is facing it better.  :)